7 years ago I was given the best piece of relationship advice and I’ve never forgotten it.
I was standing in her kitchen and she asked me about my current dating situation. I was filling her in on all of the gory details, when she stopped me and said:
Relationships are like a balance scale. On one side you have to have friendship, trust, communication and respect. On the other side you have to have passion, chemistry, sexual and physical attraction. You have to have an equal amount of both because at different points of your relationship the scale is going to tip one way or the other.
After I went home and digested what she had said, I started thinking about it.
Hell, I’m STILL thinking about it.
It makes so much sense.
Let’s use me as an example.
I was dating this guy and we had such strong chemistry and sexual attraction. The sex was fantastic, which was probably the only reason I stayed with him as long as I did.
In fact I couldn’t quite figure out why I was seeing him. We had nothing in common. We didn’t want or value the same things. He wouldn’t even let me hold the fucking remote!
In my mind I kept picturing us married. He would come home from work, expect a home cooked meal waiting on the table, the house perfectly clean and me in some sexy French maid outfit.
Lord knows I don’t cook. I hate cleaning. And I’m not a pretty little wife/servant for you to ogle.
When shit hits the fan did I really think this guy was going to be there the way I needed him to? Was he going to support my hopes and dreams? When things got tough, would he have been there to help me pick up the pieces? Would he laugh and cry with me?
I seriously doubt it.
On the other end of the scale I also dated someone who was one of the best guys I know. Kind, considerate, caring, compassionate. An overall great person.
I liked him immediately. He made me laugh. I could tell him anything and I could really see a future between us.
However, when things moved past kissing it was like someone pulled the rug out from under me. It wasn’t that he did anything wrong, but there was no sexual chemistry between us whatsoever.
That was seriously disappointing.
As much as I tried to make it happen, it wouldn’t. You can’t force those kinds of things. You either have it or you don’t.
Would he have made a great partner? Absolutely. Would I have been taken care of, respected, loved? 100%. But something was missing. I couldn’t imagine spending my life with someone and not feeling anything when we kissed. Or never looking across the table and thinking, I want to rip your clothes off right now and I don’t care who’s here.
I know eventually we would become like roommates and my eye would have started to wander. Now I know why people cheat.
When I started dating Justin, I knew this was something different. He respected me, he was kind, he listened, he supported me and when he kissed me my knees got weak.
That’s when I knew this was it. I had never experienced anything that strongly with anyone else.
I had found my golden ticket.
Like every relationship, we have our ebbs and flows. Sometimes it feels like were just friends. Other times we can’t keep our hands off of each other. Most of the time we have a nice balance somewhere in the middle.
The important lesson here is to make sure you find someone who you have equal parts respect, friendship, trust and lust, passion, connection. If you don’t have an equal amount the scale will stay permanently tipped to one side. You could end up completely in the friend’s zone and miss out on those I want to rip your clothes off moments. Or you could end up in the all we do is have sex but there’s no substance zone, which is not good either.
Having a balance makes for a long lasting, fun, healthy, deeply connected, loving relationship. And that’s what we all really want, isn’t it?