Last week I left the house in a hurry and there was a pile of dirty dishes in the sink. I felt guilty about leaving Justin to clean it up. So I told him that it’s ok if he doesn’t get around to cleaning them. I would do it when I got home.
However in my mind I was thinking, he BETTER clean those dishes.
Sure enough I walk in the door after being out all day and the dishwasher was not emptied and there was a pile of dirty dishes in the sink.
I happened to be on the phone with him when I walked in and saw this and my immediate reaction was to get really pissed off and say “Oh nice you left ME the pile of dirty dishes to clean”. Immediately after the words came out of my mouth I winced. I knew it was wrong.
His response was “You told me it was ok to leave it and that you would do it when you got home”.
Yup that confirmed it. I was totally wrong for saying that.
He was right I DID tell him to leave it, but in my mind I was thinking he better clean those damn dishes.
Here is the problem with that. Saying one thing and meaning another and then getting pissed off when it’s not what you wanted is not helpful for either of you.
If you know that the guy you’re seeing just wants to hook up, but you go along with it anyway, even though you KNOW you want a committed relationship, is lying. Or telling him you’re super into sports, even though you despise them because you’re hoping to impress him is lying. Or making excuses for him when he doesn’t call or flakes on plans is lying. Or my personal favorite HE’LL CHANGE.
For the love of God, he will not!
When you hear yourself making excuses to stay with someone, this is a HUGE red flag. A huge red flag that you are lying to yourself.
A strong relationship requires two people who are authentic with themselves and with each other.
In order to be honest you need 2 things:
You have to WANT to know the truth.
You have to love YOURSELF.
You have to be open and willing to dig deep within yourself to listen for the truth. Then you have to love yourself enough to have those awkward and uncomfortable conversations.
Tracy McMillan the author of Why You’re Not Married …Yet writes “There are a thousand ways to lie in a relationship, but only one of them really matters: when you lie to yourself. Self-deception is probably the most destructive thing you can do to your prospects for a happy, healthy relationship. Why? Because it’s the muscle-the enforcer, really-behind all the other behaviors that are keeping you single. If you weren’t deluding yourself, you would be forced to reckon with the way the casual sex, anger, fear, perfectionism, craziness, and all the rest of it are affecting your relationships-or lack of them. And not reckoning with it is keeping you stuck”.
Tracy does not mess around. She is a straight shooter and that’s what I love about her.
Be honest with yourself and love yourself more. The more you do the more the chances you will have of having a happy, healthy, loving relationship.