As a coach, I’m always teaching my clients about the importance of self-love. And yes, it’s so easy to say “love yourself”.  It’s the answer to so many of our problems whether it’s our health, relationships, or happiness.

But how do you ACTUALLY learn to love yourself? What are the practical steps you need to take to learn to love yourself more?

Today I’m going to teach you how.


  1. Question your belief system


I’m going to let you in on a little secret. What I’m about to share with you is the basis of my coaching practice. This is at the heart of what I do. It’s questioning your thoughts and your belief system.  This will totally rock your world and change everything. When I started doing this it was like seeing the world through a totally different lens.

Set a timer for 5-10 min. Grab a piece of paper or your journal and do a thought download around your love life. That means just write straight for  5-10 min whatever comes up for you.

Don’t judge it, don’t criticize it, don’t correct spelling and punctuation, just write.

After the timer goes off, look back over what you’ve read and choose the 5 MOST painful thoughts you see.



I’m not good enough

I’m not worthy of being loved

No one will ever want me

I’ll never find the right guy


Just sit with these for a few minutes and choose the ONE that FEELS the most painful for you. By choosing the MOST painful thought you are helping to tear down the prison of limiting beliefs you’ve built around yourself over the years.  You will want to pay attention to the physical sensations in your body to choose the thought that is the MOST painful for you.

Now let’s question that bad boy.  This is a simple and easy process, but it is oh so powerful.

Write the thought down and underneath it answer these 4 questions. Remember there is no right or wrong answer. Answer these questions honestly.

  1. Is the thought true?
  2. Can you absolutely know with 100{c9d3c824302757703f48837c7eefcd02729f5877ba90517f71b8e0601160fef7} certainty that this thought is true?
  3. How you ACT and what emotions do you FEEL when you think this thought?
  4. Imagine waking up tomorrow and never being able to think that thought again. It’s like it disappeared into thin air and you have no memory of it. Who would you be and how would you feel without that thought?

Are you with me so far? You’re doing great!

You’ve figured out which are the most painful thoughts and narrowed it down to 1. You’ve questioned the shit out of it.  Now it’s time for the turnaround.  This is the fun part.

Take the original negative thought and swap it for a positive one.

For example…

I’m not worthy of being loved becomes I am worth loving or I am worthy of being lovedPlay around with it and see which new thought FEELS really good.

This is going to be your new mantra. Write it down and post it everywhere as a reminder.

After you come up with your new thought, I want you to list 5 reasons this thought is true. Why are you worthy of being loved? What makes you worth loving?


  1. Take responsibility for your feelings


I talked a lot about this in last week’s blog, but take responsibility for your feelings. Understand that it’s ok to feel sad, angry, happy, and sometimes to ball your eyes out in the fetal position (hey we’ve all been there). Know that feelings are just that, feelings. There are no right or wrong feelings. Also, take responsibility for your emotions. Don’t place blame on others. Instead of saying, “You make me feel ______”, try, “I feel ________.”


  1. Become more self-aware


The first step when you decide to make any kind of change is to become more self-aware. Begin to notice when the negative self-talk starts. Notice when you start reaching for the chocolate or the extra glass of wine. Notice when you start using other things like tv, sex, food, drinking, etc. as a distraction. When you start to notice patterns and become aware of when they start, you can start to change them. When you start to learn about what you’re doing or thinking that may be causing your pain, you can then move into taking loving action for yourself.


  1. Talk to yourself with love and compassion


If you’re not at a place where you’re feeling the self-love, chances are you’re walking around most of the day talking negatively to yourself.  We let our egos run the show. It’s a long list of things we should, shouldn’t, can and can’t do. Talk to yourself the way you would someone you love. Imagine yourself talking to a small child, a pet or anyone you care about. Would you say things like: You’re stupid. You can’t do that. You’re not smart enough. You’re not pretty enough. You’re not good enough. No way! Instead, you would listen, be empathetic, understanding and you would respond kindly, warmly and with love.


  1. Connect to yourself


This is where the self-care piece is so important. Self-care is a huge part of a self-love practice. This is time designated only to YOU. Use this time alone as a time to connect with yourself. My favorite ways to do this are journaling, yoga, meditation and being outside in nature. Check in. How are you feeling, what’s going on in your body, is there anything that needs to be worked through? This is the time to get to know YOU better. You are your biggest advocate and best friend. Make sure you spend time nurturing that relationship. The more you get to know yourself, the more you’re able to trust yourself and the decisions you make.


xo Jen


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