My goal as a coach and a human, in general, is to always be honest, authentic, transparent, and truthful in everything I share. Whether that’s my blog, my emails, my FB/Instagram posts, or videos, I always try to keep it as real as possible.
Today’s blog is no exception.
When I decided to share this story my immediate response was shame. Shame that people might look at my marriage differently or judge me or my husband. Just because I share real, vulnerable things pretty regularly doesn’t make them any less scary. But I know that by sharing these things, I’m helping others courage to do the same and the shame that I’m feeling will have a lot less power.
Remember darkness can only breed in darkness. It isn’t until you bring these things to light that they can heal.
So back to my story…
Last week was a tough week for me. My husband and I got into a huge fight. One that left me feeling like I was living with a black cloud over my head for about a week. No matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t shake my feelings.
I had been holding in how I was feeling for quite some time because I knew how stressed out he had been with work. I put my feelings aside and allowed the behavior to continue. When I did finally bring it to his attention he was super apologetic and I felt heard and validated.
Not so fast.
As the days went on I expected to see some changes. And…nothing…
So I allowed my anger to build. I tried expressing how I felt, but this time I didn’t feel heard or validated. I felt confused, upset, angry, and like my feelings didn’t matter or he just didn’t understand where I was coming from.
Last Wednesday was our 9 year anniversary and I figured ok he is really going to step it up today. This is his chance to show me a little effort. I even dropped some subtle and not too subtle hints to remind him.
When I came home and realized that not only had no effort been made, but that he completely forgot, I totally lost my shit. This was not my proudest moment, but I went totally nuts. Screamed, cried, cursed, you name it. I said some pretty awful things that I was not proud of, but God was I pissed!
But more importantly, I was hurt.
I was really fucking hurt.
That night after a lot of tears when I really thought about where this was all coming from, I realized how much not feeling heard, having my emotions validated and not feeling important was SUCH a childhood wound for me. No wonder I was so upset! I had been triggered AF.
I never connected the dots before, but it made total sense.
A coach that I love, admire, and respect so much, Rebecca Ives Rubin says “Sometimes I think we’re most drawn to the people who will trigger us most deeply. It’s like an inner switch get’s flipped when we meet someone who is a perfect vibrational match to our unhealed stuff”.
Yup, I’d say so.
Relationships are mirrors constantly reflecting back to us unhealed wounds. This was a big one for me. As much as the fight sucked, it made me realize that I have some important work to do on that wound. The first step is just becoming aware
I heard you universe. Loud and clear.